In defence of Facebook.

Hold your fire. Perhaps I have a point here.

All names have been changed, including mine, excluding Myspace and Facebook. The events following may or may not have taken place and do not refer to any specific thing.

Along with Myspace, Facebook has a somewhat tarnished name among the circles I rotate in. A place for “the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies and dickheads”. Oh, and emo kids. It’s just a social networking site. Can it really be so bad?

From the comfort of my own squalor, I can effortlessly stalk and mock people I actually know (or have gotten to know and wisely left behind). Facebook is the High School Reunion you don’t need to leave the house for, and is perhaps funnier still after taking the time to consider how carefully cultivated these online personas are.

The people on Myspace and Facebook are not real. They are but a fragment of a person with the ability to follow basic prompts in order to present their ‘ideal self’ to the world. Maybe you’ll like me better if I tell you about how much I had to drink Friday night, that I spent most of my time horizontal and don’t remember the guy’s name? Or, that I’m getting a tattoo? The image I’ve selected means a lot to me: It’s a dolphin. I used to eat tuna as a kid. Maybe I’ll like me better if I have a book full of faces and lots of people in my space.

Online social networking has taken off like wildfire, burning down the need to make real contact. If my fake self interacts with your fake self, do we have a real friendship? The Ignorant have accused The Internet of demolishing human relationships since the first time hitting the ‘Send’ button meant something. Are they right?

Millions of years ago, the term Acquaintance was used to describe a person one knew of, though did not know well. It was also used to describe a flimsy or casual friendship. Now the word is fading away. Everyone is your friend and yet you would not invite more than eight of these people to your next dinner party.

We, the members of Facebook and Myspace, are links in the chain of a self-assembling audience for multi-billion dollar advertising agencies to whom we expose our eyes and minds each time we log in. We’re losers, tryhards, loners and attention whores. Together, we make people a lot of money.

But what of the Righteous Dudes who shun these websites? Well my friends, did you laugh out loud at people you used to know who looked bored at their own wedding? Or seductively snort spritzer out your nose upon casting an eye over the many post-high school chins of a bully? Or see perhaps the world’s best impersonation of Miss Piggy to date? All while stretching back on the lounge with a wine in hand?

No you didn’t. Instead you’re reading scheissen spouted Tub Girl style from the most
fantastical foiled fragment of them all.

The train of thought broke down in Tarro.

Unedited post. Forgive poor spelling, grammar, writing style and inability to engage an audience.